As humans, we have this annoying, and never satiating hunger to know what lies ahead. For we are weak at heart. We want to be able to foresee the future, so we could make efforts to try and alter them if we don’t like the outcome. And that’s the reason there is never recession for an ‘Astrologer’. Funny it is that recession is the time when his business soars highest. An astrologer feeds on uncertainty. He capitalizes human desire.
No astrologer is, however, of any help when it comes to deciphering the mysterious ways in which a human mind functions. As in Epilepsy, not even the experts can foretell when it will strike again. Or will it even?
They’ll list you all the triggers and make you feel epileptic at every step. You know, such people, epileptics, walk within a cloud of fear for they can never guess if the next step would land safe or would take them down.
Uncertainty – in its loudest, meanest form.
Of course, my life is normal. But its subtly, very delicately laced with a deep seated fear. I live and even dream about being epileptic. There are times when I’ll find myself seizing and would struggle to get up, just like it happens in real. I struggle to speak. To call out a name. To make someone hold me. But no words come out. Because my mind looses control of my speech and then of itself. It gives in.
And then, I would wake up from my dream. Past that, I’d lie in bed, tossing sides, thinking, “Was it a dream about a seizure, or was I seizing in sleep?” Not even my neurologist can tell for sure. Huh! Uncertainties.
When I was a kid and our school used to plan picnics and trips, I was never allowed to go anywhere by my parents. I used to stay at home, watch TV, cursing God for his ruthlessness, wondering of all things my friends would be doing there, which I couldn’t. And honestly, I always believed, it was the little tiffs my parents had because of which they never allowed me.
Now that I’m all grown up, I understand that they were only being protective of me. Now, I think at least twenty times before hanging out with my friends or colleagues. For I have to make sure, the ambiance and food are gonna be okay. That there will be very less chances of a fit. That if a seizure plans to strike its sword, aid would be nearby. And most of all, I make sure my friends don’t have to face anything terrifying because of me.
Witnessing someone seizing is a sight that stays clearly etched in your memory to recount it step by step, even after fifty years. I can say that because, I have seen someone seizing in front of me as I stood there completely paralyzed.
I knew what was happening to her. I could sense what her body might be feeling at that time. But I could not react. As if my mind was unconsciously mirroring the loss of control that her body was dealing with. Completely unfazed by the fact that it happened inside my examination hall and I had around 70% of questions left to answer, I spent the rest 2 hours locked in the washroom. Crying. Devastated.
So, that’s how it is.
I have seen a lot of things, which cannot be termed as anywhere close to ‘bright and shiny’. I could have chosen to brood and sulk. Instead, I went seeking refuge in humor. I draped my problems and shrieks of broken heart inside folds of sarcasm. Most never got it, and thought I was being really funny. Those who didn’t find it funny, empathized.
Could they have been able to do anything more than that? I don’t think so.
At the end of the day, your problems are your own. Only you can touch, feel, smell, taste, walk and live them. And only you can make them go away. So, yeah my resilience kicks in here. There are things I do that make me forget I’m serving for my sins. I paint, I cook, I sketch, and I write, just like now.
For most of the times, I dwell in the grays. No matter if its at least for a fleeting moment, I’m sure, of what I want, what I’m thinking and what to do next.
But, this uncertainty about epilepsy, it kills me. The very reminder of it, shakes my core. And for all I can say now, previously my parents protected me, made decisions that were tough on me. But now, I do that to myself. Rules I made against myself, decisions I took, and many that I’ll be taking.
I’m sorry, if I am painting a horrifying picture of this medical condition, but ask someone who has been through it and you’ll know that there are times when, uncertainty can also be embarrassing.
I do want to cure it. I have made several failed attempts. I’m still trying.
Uncertain, even if its how my life’s meant to be, all I want is to be sure of myself, that if no one’s around, I’ll be able to take care of myself. I want to feel that feeling of certainty. That’s all I’d ever want.