Time: 2:31 am
Your whole family is asleep when you are just tossing sides, and it’s been almost an hour you’ve been doing that. It’s funny how at night just falling asleep could seem like the only remaining goal of life, like your life’s only purpose.
Funnier, you’re failing in this trivial endeavor too.
First time you felt that, your were mad. You don’t feel mad at this situation now though.
Anyway, it goes on like this: You think you should talk to someone and you pick up your cellphone to make a call. You don’t remember any numbers. Bad memory…thanks to smart technology making a fool out of us. Moving ahead, you open up your contacts list and scroll… You’re scrolling down, all the way down… Okay… You cannot find the suitable person, so you go for the less suitable ones this time… Scrolling up…All the way up… And there at the top you find your own name.
Since you tend to forget your own number and don’t wish to save it as ‘my number’, you save it as AAA. Now, you are at the top.
You smirk at the funny realization. You have actually got no one, but you for you.
But how do you call your own number and talk to yourself?
Plus, you need a face you can think of while talking. So you head to the bathroom, mutter to your reflection, shed some gratifying tears, instead of wiping them off the face you wipe them off the mirror in an attempt to console the other person. And take a moment to look at yourself — red watery eyes, puffed eyelids, pink nose (that’s my favorite kind of red, by the way), and scarlet lips. Oh! You forgot to clean off your lipstick today!
You quickly turn around, take the hand towel off the hook and clean your lips… Look again at yourself and realize that that lipstick was the only thing that made you look pretty enough for crying. You look hideously devastated now.
So you tell yourself, that it was yet another act you were rehearsing for and walk out scraping all your dignity off those tiled walls and the mirror.
Instantly gratified and light, you slip into your bed and start the drill all over again.
By the time it’s morning, you have proved to yourself that you actually have no one but your reflection to hear you out and catch your tears. Yet, you tell yourself — a new morning, a new day, a new me. I will work so hard today that sleep has no option but to hit me hard.
Every night, you remind yourself of an unswallowable truth. And every morning, you tell yourself a believable lie.
This post is part of the poetry-prose collection in process, which also shares its name with my blog – A Nosh of Life. (#21 means there are 20 parts ahead of it and many more to come.)
Additionally, I dedicate this write-up to International Women’s Day. The post may appear sad. However, I feel that celebrating womanhood is not about being brave enough to cut ties and start all over again. Womanhood also includes the courage of staying in, walking each day, and taking it forward.
It is the courage to hope.
And the strength to still be able to walk tall.
To hope and strength!